Friday, November 25, 2005

She Looks Like The Real Thing

The hottest models always love to brag that they used to be ugly. "Growing up, boys hated me. I used to be gangly, clumsy...it was just such an awkward phase." Well, guess what, everyone has an awkward phase growing up. It's called puberty. You don't think ugly chicks had an awkward phase? Of course they did. The difference is, your awkward phase ended in D cups and a modeling career. The ugly chick's awkward phase ended in varicose veins and truck stop blow jobs. She's not shooting heroin because it's trendy.

It's almost like models feel personally responsible for overcoming some kind of obstacle. No different than the guy born without legs who runs marathons or the girl with vocal cords who doesn't sound annoying. But models haven't actually done anything to become attractive. They've just managed to not die. That's it. They maintained a heartbeat and brain function into adulthood and wound up incredibly hot. What an accomplishment! How many others would have just given up and died when they realized they'd have to keep waking up every morning and remain alive. But not these models. They're fighters. They overcame puberty. Give them credit.

Tyra Banks is an especially frequent offender of this mentality. She loves to talk about her fluctuating weight and the dimples in her ass. She wants to make sure everyone knows that inside Tyra, there's an ugly girl struggling to get out. Tyra recently decided to see how the other half-ton lives by donning a fat suit and waddling around anonymously for a day. Within minutes, poor Tyra witnessed people snickering and laughing in her face. What made it so bad was that people were immediately appalled by her. I mean, without the fat suit, they actually have to get to know her annoying personality first before being repulsed. With the fat suit, not one guy faked laughter when she made one of her shitty jokes that ends with her saying "girlfriend!" and rolling her eyes. Not one.

She was shocked that people could treat someone so differently simply because of appearance. But wait, isn't that the whole reason she has a career in the first place? Tyra has been treated differently because of appearance her entire life. In fact, the only reason she can use her TV show to illuminate the effect a person's looks has on the way they're treated is that she's been given a TV show because of the way she looks. But, when the results are positive, it's not so bad. I bet she never complains that every time she drops something, some dude picks it up for her. I bet she never complains that two-thirds of everything she has is free of charge. Where was the indignation when she was getting ten-thousand dollars a day to pose for pictures? She's the Yin, fat chicks are the Yang. If there was such thing as a supermodel suit, I'm sure people would be just as shocked at that day-in-the-life scenario. Of course, that can never happen. Black can only be so slimming.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Bloody Murder Is The Best I've Heard Her Scream

I went to an open-mic night last Wednesday. A comic brought a girl he had just started dating to check out the show. I've never understood why comics do this. You're a week into this relationship, you're still trying to sleep with her and you think introducing her to all your degenerate comedy friends is going to close the deal?

"Okay, these are my comedy friends. Say hello to Drug Addict, Daddy Touched Me, Possibly Homeless, Won't Shut Up, Female, Always On, Does Voices, Future Rapist, Wacky Ethnicity Who Keeps Talking About It...oh, and over there in the corner, that's Overcoming Birth Defect."

Comedy friends not only make you a fuck-up by association, they're just going to hit on her themselves.

"Hey, you here with somebody?"

"Yeah, he's going up 24th. He plays clubs and colleges up and down the east coast. He's a very funny guy and a good friend of mine."

And it's not like you'll be scoring major points with her by stumbling through your new chunk on asshole lint. There's no such thing as a "get laid set" at open-mic night. Never bring a chick, it can only end badly.

In fact, forget comics, why do guys bring dates to open-mic nights at all? I've always felt like when guys do that, it's like a trial run for the relationship. Take her out on a Wednesday and, if everything goes smoothly, maybe she'll move up to weekends. Basically, when a guy takes you to an open-mic, what he's really saying is "Hey baby, I like you and all, but I'm just not ready to pay for your cover yet."

The guy just wants the cheapest date possible. He doesn't give a shit about you. If you're a woman who continues to get dragged to these things, that's the message. And it's better to get that message now than to get it later, after the show, when it really hurts. You've already been subjected to 25 of the worst comedians of all time and now you're home, in the bathroom, cleaning yourself up from the bad sex that just ended. Suddenly, you hear that unmistakable sound of a car door slamming and tires screeching away from your place. For a while, you try to delude yourself, hoping he's just out getting more cigarettes or an engagement ring. You call his cell phone but it's turned off. Later, he'll blame Verizon's "shitty signal." Somewhere around 3am, you fall asleep crying. Cut to his place, 3am, he's sitting on the couch in his underwear, eating Ben & Jerry's, watching Sanford & Son, laughing a little too loud. During a commercial, he pauses to think "I wonder if her Vagina has started burning, yet. How long does that usually take? Will she blame it on me? Whatever, she's just my open-mic date."