Friday, September 22, 2006

Rivers Of Suggestion

Remember how hard it used to be to get a girl to show you her tits? What an arduous process - hours of negotiation, gallons of alcohol, sleep deprivation and veiled threats. It felt like an FBI interrogation. And even after the whole good cop/bad cop routine, you and your friends still wound up having to accept a ridiculous plea bargain. Remember the deal? A split-second flash, one breast, side shot, candlelight only, no cameras - and most of the time, you'd have to show your balls first.

And then the girls went wild. These days, it seems like every girl in the world can be talked into showing her tits to a room full of frat boys. Usually, with nothing more to persuade her than a drunken clown with a camcorder yelling, "What are you, some kind of prude?" That's really all it takes. And I'm not talking split-second flashing here. I mean full frontal, long-term nudity. If you ask nicely enough, you can probably touch them and play with them - even draw on them. Women can't wait to show off their tits.

If you want to be real about it, women can't wait to get attention from men. Sexual attention. The kind of attention that makes them feel special and wanted. True empowerment for a woman is finding a way to turn men on. That means more than any bullshit Oprah-style affirmation. It used to be so much easier, though. There was a time when a woman didn't have to do much more than wear sandals to get the frat boys excited. Accused rapists would often use the defense, "But your honor, I could see the tops of her feet...she was asking for it." Or the more popular, "Toe Means Yes." But guys became jaded and started demanding more, so women began giving it - no matter how far they had to go. Pretty soon, hemlines were going up and necklines were plunging.

Even the women's lib movement couldn't stop the parade of cleavage and ass cheeks. By the late 60's, women were walking around in miniskirts with halter-tops, yapping about equal rights and independence. They didnt know whether to burn their bras or pad them. Soon after that, wet t-shirt contests, random tit-flashing and thongs made their way into the repertoire.

It's at the point now where the only thing a woman can do to get noticed is to just fuck other women. That's how far it's come. Every girl from 18-24 has at least kissed and probably fondled another girl. And many have had that random fuckfest with their "girlfriend" in college - you know, because it's, like, fun or whatever...yeah, it's not gay or anything. You've heard the story:

-We were sick of boys acting like jerks.
-Bananas were on sale.
-It was spring break.
-A woman's body is the most beautiful thing in the world.
-John Mayer rulz!!!!

Why did you hear the story? Because they love to tell it. Nothing makes a woman happier than being encircled by a bunch of drooling guys as she recounts her pseudo-lesbian exploits. It's precisely the kind of attention she wants. The kind of attention that makes her feel like the center of every man's world. It's ridiculous. A woman has to literally do the gayest thing possible in order to be seen as a desirable heterosexual. And we don't even have to show our balls anymore.