Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Sick and Alone

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel a little bad for Kevin Federline in this whole divorce saga. Yes, he has no talent. Yes, he has a stupid nickname. Yes, he looks like a ferret. There are a thousand reasons to hate him. But, just think about the last couple years from his point of view. He hooked up with Britney Spears when she was at the peak of her fame; when she was one of the hottest, most desirable women in the world. She could have had any shitty, no-talent idiot she wanted. You think Ryan Cabrera or Hayden Christensen would have turned her down? Not a chance. Fuck, Elijah Wood would have sliced off one of his pointy little ears and written a love poem on it just to get a sniff. But Britney decided to give K-Fed the ticket to paradise, so he couldn't say no. I mean, how could he ever do better than Britney Spears? It was a dream come true.

As soon as they got married, though, things changed. Britney stopped performing and started getting all fat and dumpy. She stopped wearing makeup - her hair was always greasy. Everything she wore was tattered and dirty. Britney Spears became a complete white-trash mess. It was embarrassing. How many times did you see one of those pictures of Britney cluelessly strolling through a parking lot wearing flip-flops with a kool-aid stain on her lips, chocolate running down her shirt, gut sticking out and hanging over her shredded denim shorts – barely long enough to conceal the acre of cottage cheese taking root on her ass. And in the background of all those pictures, there was K-Fed looking completely befuddled. As if to say, "Who the fuck is that cow wearing my ring?" There's a reason he's always squinting his eyes. And to make matters worse, Britney got pregnant. Twice. Over two years. Eighteen months of morning sickness, weight gain, mood swings and screaming babies. It was the cruelest twist of fate ever. Like the clock struck twelve on their wedding day and Cinderella turned into the cast of Mama's Family.

When Britney filed for divorce, K-Fed had to have been at least somewhat relieved. But she wasn't done fucking him over just yet. The next day after filing for divorce, she showed up on Letterman, and guess what? She was suddenly thin and hot. THE NEXT DAY! She walked out onto that stage and basically said, "Hey everyone, now that I'm divorced, I'll be firming up my ass again." After that, she went out ice-skating in NYC. Ice-skating with a low cut sweater on – cleavage dripping out of every opening. I'm pretty sure she even blew a couple hot dog vendors just because they had cornrows.

It was as though the last two years had never happened. It took Britney all of twenty-four hours to transform from dumpy trailer trash back to Miss America. And all K-Fed got was a couple more kids to add to his collection, and a shitty album no one is going to buy. Once again, the man is the real victim in a divorce.