Saturday, December 01, 2007

Doused In Mud

So I finally sat down and watched the infamous 2 Girls 1 Cup video the other day. What took so long, you ask? Well, unlike some losers, I don't watch pirated videos on the internet. I sent away for a real copy of the film to ensure the artists were compensated fully for their work. It's only fair.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain. 2 Girls 1 Cup is the cheaply made scat-munching sex romp that has taken the internet by shit storm. It comes from the same people who brought you Barely Fecal, Squishtar, and Flavor of Love - so you know it's high quality. There are currently thousands of videos on YouTube posted by people who have filmed their horrified reactions while watching the two girls. It's almost a rite of passage for anyone with a camcorder.

Here's a brief synopsis of the film: The epic begins with two scantily clad women engaging in some typical lesbian foreplay. In my fantasy, they've just returned from the International Chili Cookoff. Needless to say, things get crazy. Long story short - girl shits in cup, girls lick and swallow shit, girl vomits on shit and the pair continue licking. The end. Remember that sex scene in 9 ½ weeks? Well, pretend that scene was about eighteen hours longer. This video would be the last ninety seconds of that.

I have a couple problems with all this.

1. First off, the video didn't gross me out at all. Perhaps I have a strong stomach. Maybe I'm not a twelve-year-old girl. Whatever the case, there was no effect. What did bother me, though, was that I couldn't find out what was on the video without actually watching it myself. Every time I asked somebody, they would reply with, "You gotta see it yourself, man…I don't want to spoil it for you." What the hell are you people talking about? This isn't The Sixth Sense or Harry Potter. This is a porn/fetish video. There's no such thing as a spoiler. Nobody cares about the plot twists and cameo appearances. In fact, here's another spoiler for you. Through savvy eBay bidding, I recently acquired the script for the sequel to 2 Girls 1 Cup. It's called Tootsie Roll. Essentially, it's the same plot as the original, only this time, one of the girls is an international drug mule, so when they're done licking, there's a nice surprise in the center. Kobayashi co-stars. Sorry if I just ruined it.

2. Secondly, the girls in the video are wearing mascara and lipstick. Listen, when you're eating shit for a living, there's no place for vanity. If there's anything I can't stomach, it's the thought of these girls acting like divas in the make-up chair before the big shoot. Because if they're wearing make-up, you know there's been at least one instance when a girl threw a fit because her look wasn't right.

"I won't come out of this trailer until somebody gets me some conditioner. Yeah, I have no problem eating shit, but not with frayed, split ends. I'm not some kind of a tramp. Would Beyonce eat shit with split ends? Then neither will I!"

I bet the other girls hate her because she walks around with her nose in the air. Sure, she acts like her shit doesn't stink, but everybody knows it clearly does.

Also, the portrayal of the girls is completely irresponsible. All they're doing is perpetuating the myth that you have to be a perfectly toned size two to break into the scat-munching industry. Right now, there are literally millions of girls being denied access to their dreams because of this unfair stereotype. My fear is that these young shit eaters in training will develop low self-esteem and ultimately eating disorders because of their efforts to reach the top. One girl in the video already appears to be bulimic.

3. You have to feel bad about the guy for whom this video was made. It's all a big joke to us, but there's a guy out there who really gets off on this stuff. He's married, has a couple kids, lives in the suburbs. He goes to work every day in a big office building. He eats lunch at Applebee's. By all accounts, he's normal, except for his little secret. And you know he's spent his entire life convincing himself his fetish isn't that bad. "Some guys are breast men, some guys are leg men…" he says to himself, confidently. "If god didn't want us eating shit, why did he put our asses so close to our mouths? You'd think he'd put them down at our feet," he reasons. Then, one day, after years of denial, he checks YouTube and finds five-thousand people screaming, dry-heaving, and vomiting at the one thing that gets him off sexually. This guy sees scat-munching the way the rest of us see tongue-kissing, yet most people would rather set their eyeballs on fire than watch another second. Heartbreaking. Now he has to come to terms with his life taking a giant shit on him.

So, what's the future for 2 Girls 1 Cup? Will it settle into obscurity like the Star Wars Kid, or Andy Milonakis? Will it be remembered in shitty countdown shows starring lame, unfunny comedians? No. That's not good enough. I think it should be used as the trailer for Dane Cook's next HBO special. It's perfect. The girls represent Dane's dumbass fans. The shit represents his material…and they can't stop lapping it up.

DANE COOK - BOTTOM'S UP.

1 comment:

EJ said...

omg, thanks for writing another blog, but i was just getting over watching that video... when i came across this (see my last blog)... yuck... i am still sick behind that shit. how did that not gross you out? you frighten me Andy Kline.