Friday, October 03, 2008

The Top of the Slide

So, Sarah Palin won last night's VP debate. I mean, she didn't actually win the debate, but that's not important. What's important is that she didn't appear retarded. She said words in the right order, completed over half of her sentences, and displayed an average vocabulary. Victory. I'll bet money that performance will bring her a few more supporters. It doesn't matter how qualified she is - that's not the way it works. She's the underdog who done good, and that's enough. People are into causes, not effects.

See, Sarah Palin's campaign is the opposite of the Special Olympics. She receives praise the less retarded she looks. And right now, that strap on her helmet is getting pretty loose. Right now, there are thousands of so-called hockey moms praising the Pit Bull for "taking on the tough guys," and "getting through it." That's right, she's being lauded for only losing by a little bit. It's like that sixteen seed who keeps it close for a half against Duke. Sarah Palin is Coppin State.

All of that brings me to my main point. Because of this campaign, I've concluded that I can no longer discuss politics with men under the age of twenty-four. Especially if they have even the slightest hipster tendencies. Whenever Palin's name enters a conversation involving a skinny-jeaned thrift store junkie, you'll inevitably hear the familiar refrain: "She's totally unqualified, bro. She would suck as Vice President."

And that's an excellent point, bro. Really it is. But it would probably make more sense if you weren't wearing an "I Love Hasselhoff" t-shirt while stating it. See, people like you have been instrumental in creating a culture where it's actually cool to worship things that suck. From your ironic trucker hats to your nonstop fellating of the 80's, embracing mediocrity is the essence of your existence. That's why you listen to Journey and carry a Mr. Belvedere lunch box. This election is just your chickens coming home to roost. Maybe I'd take your political opinions more seriously if you didn't spend half a decade trying to convince me Wesley Willis had talent. He was retarded and you know it.

And I know what you're going to say.

"That's just fashion and stuff…not a national election."

Wrong. Politics these days are nothing but a giant reality show, and every reality show has a Sanjaya. You're the ones that made it cool to vote for him. It's okay, though. Just think of Sarah Palin as *Awesomely Bad* and you'll be fine.

In fact, the only positive about Sarah Palin you'll hear from the young hipsters is that she's good looking. That's something everybody can agree on. Basically, she's got that whole librarian fantasy going on. But here's the thing: you can't disagree with her politics and also find her attractive. Why? Because your librarian fantasy is supposed to be conservative. That's part of the appeal. You want your librarian to be a hardcore pro-life Christian. You want her burning a few books every now and then. That makes it more satisfying when you dick slap her in your mind later. If she were a free love neo-hippie who wanted to legalize weed, she wouldn't be nearly as hot. You're trying to defile and corrupt her. That's the fantasy. Nobody ever looked at a hot librarian and said, "Man, I'd sure like to discuss Proust with her." No. In fact, the librarian fantasy doesn't even end with the sex. It ends with her regretting it. That's the point.

Palin's looks have everything to do with this campaign. Remember all the media scrutiny when she was first chosen? Her camp protested that the questions being asked about her were rude and unfair. Even today, the fairness brigade scrutinizes everything that happens to her. But you have to look at this from the right point of view.

Sarah Palin is a former beauty queen. She was a runner up in the Miss Alaska pageant - lost to a black girl. In Alaska. What are the odds of that? You'd have a better chance of losing to a black bear in Alaska. She never even faced a black girl playing four years of high school basketball. She's 0 for 1 lifetime against black people, and now she's facing Barack Obama. You'd think she'd line up a black tomato can first.

Be that as it may, she is a former hot chick. But, if you closely examine her pictures now, she's not looking too hot anymore. Sure, she cleans up well, but underneath all those distractions, she's clearly in the process of hitting the wall. All hot chicks must hit the wall at some point in their lives. And whether she hits the wall in her twenties, or in her forties, the instant a hot chick loses her looks, everything changes. Suddenly, the world seems really mean and unfair. Suddenly, she's being forced to stand in lines and pay for her own things. And for some reason, nobody lets her merge into traffic anymore. Suddenly, she's being held accountable for all the dumb shit she's been saying all these years. And all she can think is, "Wow, these people are so rude." No they're not. You're just ugly now.